The other night my oldest daughter said something that caught me a little off guard. I was sitting at the kitchen counter and she was standing on the opposite side in your typical teen-with-phone stance – head down, leg kicked to the side, and randomly muttering. Our conversation evolved to the subject of life after high school, going to college, and generally moving out into the real world. With her head still bent down looking at her phone she said something to the effect of “oh my gosh, I can’t do all of that. I’m not prepared for that. I don’t know anything about money. I don’t know how to buy a house.”
I immediately countered that no one is really fully prepared to just hit their stride straight out of high school. You’ll constantly learn things over the course of your life. Hell, I’m still learning things to this day. I told her all of this and let her know that we were still going to be around for her to lean on when needed. It’s not like we’re going to open the door, give the good ol’ swift kick to the ass, and say “You’ve graduated, good luck!”
It was sort of an out of body experience though. I heard myself talking and reassuring her that everything would be ok, but at the same time I was internally asking myself, “Did I fail as a father? Have I not provided my child the tools and knowledge to be able to make it in the real world?”
Long after she was satisfied with my answer and had left for her room, I still found myself sitting there thinking about what just went down. I wondered to myself whether I really had failed. I know I try to take care of my kids and do everything I can for them, but was that too much? Was my love and looking out for them holding them back from doing for themselves and learning how to be independent? Had I not provided enough life lessons? When I would take care of “grown-up” things for her, had I not provided enough guidance and on-the-job training? As a father, you have this self indulged attitude of all-knowing when it comes to anything related to surviving in the real world. If my daughter felt she didn’t have the capacity to thrive on her own, maybe, just maybe I had failed in my responsibility to equip her.
After spending some time thinking about it over the following days I realized that yes, I had been a little protective of her and probably should have made her do more things on her own. But, all is not lost. During this period of self reflection I also remembered last summer when she spent 3 weeks on her own in New York City at the Joffrey Jazz Intensive. This was her first time away from the house for a long period of time and the first instance where she was responsible for her day to day activities – and in one of the world’s biggest cities. This included typical tasks of eating, commuting, working, cleaning, and meeting daily responsibilities. I was quite surprised how well she did. She not only survived, she excelled.
Even though I wake her up every day for school, she was able to manage on her own in New York. Even though I often clean up her stuff around the house and fuss at her for keeping things messy, she was able to manage on her own in New York, often cleaning every day. She was able to live as close to being single in the big city as you can get. I remember getting a call from her in the first couple of days that took me totally by surprise. During the course of our conversation I asked her where she was. She replied, “Times Square.” What the WHAT? I then came to find out she also got there by taking the subway. My little baby was in Times Square with friends and had taken the infamous NYC subway to get there. Wow. She was growing up and doing things on her own.
I also thought back to when I was her age. I didn’t have all the answers. I didn’t know how to do everything. I used my parents and other resources when I needed to accomplish more and more “grown-up” tasks. When I needed to open a checking account, buy my first car, buy our first house, or do my taxes I simply asked for guidance from my parents.
After days of reflection, self doubt, and further paranoid analysis I started to realize that she DOES have the tools and knowledge to make it, or at least get out there and get at it.
The good news is she’s still just a sophomore in high school. I have time. However, I am planning on implementing additional life lessons and real world guidance as we traverse the next couple of years. I want to make sure she starts to pick up more and more skills needed to not only survive, but thrive in the real world.
This simple conversation at the kitchen counter started out rather innocent at the time, yet evoked a lot of thought, self reflection, and general concern regarding how my daughter transitions to adulthood. I have ultimately come to grips with the status of everything and feel ok with our plan moving forward. I have also realized this is just another painful step in my daughter’s final years at home, where dad experiences sharp jolts to the heart at the thought of his little girl spreading her wings.
Great post Jeff. I am a new father, well not totally new she’s 10 months old today, but I often think about how I will react to conversations like the one you had with your daughter. I read a great book about keeping the communication channel open at all times with your daughter, even when they try to shut it down. I hope and pray that when my daughter is ready to experience life on her own, I will have prepared her with confidence to overcome failure, because as we know failure will come. If you don’t mind I’m going to tweet this to my followers. Have a great day.
I absolutely agree that the communication channel should always be open. With daughters it gets tricky when they get older and start having girl issues in their lives. I’m always there for them, but they’ll often seek Mom to help with those questions. I’m fine with it and there when they need me. I do think everything needs to be open and ready to talk about.
Great post. Definitely takes some foresight to prepare your children. My Mom actually did a great job teaching me how to manage credit cards and I still to this day have never carried a balance and only use them for bonus points/cash. Without her early on teaching (15 yrs old) I probably wouldn’t have learned those good habits.
Wish I would’ve learned about the evils of credit cards before I got to college. They blow you up with credit cards in college. That’s just wrong! You have no money so why not use this nice shiny piece of plastic…we’ll give you thousands of virtual dollars to use too! not good.
Wonderful post!….although it fills me with dread with the truth that one day my own 2 daughters will grow up and fly the nest! Not because I’ll miss dressing up with them in their princess clothes but because I love being with them and having them around. I freak out at the thought that my girls already have a part of their life without me in child care, but I know that I need to let go…without fully letting go by continually loving them.
The responsibility of being a good Dad is really important, and to be able to look back and say “I didn’t fail as a father” is surely a great thing!
Thanks Paul. I agree it’s difficult to give them that space they need to be independent. I struggle with it. I know they need it, but damn it’s hard. lol. Make sure you enjoy all the moments, even the simple ones, because like you said, they will go off on their own and start their journeys. I like to think of us as laying a great foundation going forward that Dad will always be there and will always be a part of their lives regardless. Cheers and enjoy every day with them!